Jeremayakovka

Barack Obama Hijacked Our Hope And Flew It Over Ground Zero

Last Friday evening the AP originally posted a story about the resignation of White House staffer Michael Caldera in the wake of President Obama's low-altitude fly-over of Manhattan in Air Force One, with an F-16 in tow. Purportedly a photo-op, the deliberate aerial maneuver caused panic on a scale unheard of since Ronald Reagan's inadvertently on-air microphone quip The bombing (of the USSR) begins in five minutes. By posting the story around 8:00PM, the AP did its part to help the public ignore the Obama Administration's embarrassment. But should it be ignored?

Like many Americans, I too have wondered just what contributed to this questionable and, to many, offensive (even outrageous) presidential decision. To wit, some speculations:

10. After a non-stop First Hundred Days of Honey, I Shrunk the Economy!, Obama ordered Air Force One's in-flight movie switched to United 93.

9. Obama was displaying a deap-seated weakness for believing that he possesses Superman-like powers. Unfortunately, he ended up being the cause -- for the second time in recent memory -- of New Yorkers shouting, Look! Up in the sky ... it's a bird! It's a plane!! It's ... It's a plane!!!

8. Whatever panic New Yorkers felt was nothing compared to what gripped Michelle Obama -- because never before has a man so blantantly hinted to his wife that he's on the down-low.

7. The White House says the fly-over's purpose was to take photographs of New York City for official use, which is only partly true. What it won't say is that Obama's gathering material for another feel-good memoir about the tribulations of completing half of one term in high office, this one to be called The Audacity of Fear.

6. Lending credence to right-wing suspicion that Obama truly believes -- as much of the world does -- that America is an evil empire that deserves to be humiliated violently on the way to being defeated utterly, The Audacity of Fear will feature a special chapter, "Thirty Seconds Over New York."

5. In a controversial development, the official investigation now underway will show that the Air Force One crew did not unanimously support the fly-over decision. Testimony purportedly will show that Obama was heard knocking on the door to the cockpit, while saying, Don't make me get out the box-cutters....

4. Testimony may also show that once the fly-over was complete, Obama knuckle-bumped Michelle and gave David Axelrod a high-five while boasting Mission Accomplished!

3. Consistent with what some perceive as his deferential posturing before Muslim and/or Arab interests, Obama was trying to demonstrate what sharia-compliant air travel might look like in the United States.

2. For some Muslims, however, the lower Manhattan fly-over doesn't count as "sharia-compliant." Some Muslim leaders say that if Obama is serious about showing respect to Islam, he'll fly over lower Manhattan again -- this time in the direction of Mecca.

1. Let's face it: on a scale of 1 to 10, Obama's presidential fly-over of lower Manhattan rates a Ground Zero.

(Directly inspired by Fausta's recent post, "Priceless," and a certain anti-Bush banner from c. 2004)

RARE Video Footage: Stanley Ann Dunham's Last Breakup Before She Met Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.

Something is missing....

How To Describe An Obama Enthusiast?

I know one self-described Obamista
A deadhead for Obama is an Obamahead
A robotic platitude spewer would be an Obamotron

What else?

Imagination Is Funny, It Makes A Cloudy Day Sunny

What's In A Color, Anyway?

Today happens to be the federal holiday made in the name of a great American, a prophet of both progress and conservatism, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Two items in honor:

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"MLK was a Zionist" and

"Clarence Thomas is not a sellout"
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Chillin', Not Trillin (No. 8) - A Propos Of Bush's Middle East Tour

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Pakistan

Paki "democracy" bears a pall
Devoted hands can scarce recall,
Tilling soil despoiled by th'assassin's brawl
When Reaper Grim made his Bhutto call.
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Israel

J-town's in western Hamastan
Quds Auntie Condi and Uncle Sam
Took a humpty-dumpty in the Holy Land.
Ehud went south, Pa. Understand?
Ain't no more cunning in his right hand.
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A Smiling Airman Foresees His Epitaph

Chanting, Amrikia's days are numbered!
Jihadis think I'm just a dumb bird.
Well, thirty years on I'll be a tombstone under.
It'll read, George W. Bush: One-Term Wonder.
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Previous "Chillin', Not Trillin" here.
What's "Chillin', Not Trillin"? and Why? here.
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(re #3 cf. "An Irish Airman Foresees His Death"; "Globaloney")
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Banned From A Site

This is what it feels like. At first, anyway.

Why Become A Republican?

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Dennis Miller vs. Harry Reid

Dennis Miller vs. Political Correctness: "The Human Sense of Humor Tends To Be Barbaric"

It's that blind adherence to what is situationally palatable that is truly dangerous.

Jason's Top Ten Questions For Jerry Seinfeld

Jason of Liberty and Culture sent these in.

10 After making a good-natured episode on ethnic parades and oversensitivity why did you cave to the PC uproar and apologize?

9 Was your last episode a rip-off of Camus' The Stranger?

8 While making fun of the superficial and cowardly is amusing, was the show autobiographical or social criticism?

7 What values do you wish to instill in your children?

6 The latter episodes show a literary skill capable of weaving thematic material with classic recapitulation, did you stumble on this or was it planned?

5 Are you funny or clever?

4 What's with 'nothing?'

3 C'mon, Jerry, 'nothing' isn't an answer. Time to come clean! What gives? Reading too much Heidegger?

2 Is there a soul to Seinfeld or is there just ‘nothing?’

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#'s 5, 3, and 1 are my favorites.

How To Talk Back To Liberals And Conservatives (When You Must)

The following is an excerpt from Ann Coulter's new book, which could have been called How To Talk Back To Liberals And Conservatives (When You Must), but which instead is called If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans:

Liberals’ response to unbridled right-wing speech makes the Muslims look laid back. Reacting with stupefied indignation whenever someone disagrees with them—especially in a way that makes people point and laugh at liberals—they seem to be in a constant state of outrage. Liberals, and the conservatives who fear them, have a look of perpetual outrage, kind of the way Nancy Pelosi has a look of perpetual surprise.

About twice a year for nearly a decade, I have upset the little darlings with some public statement, and yet they manage to summon fresh outrage for each new offense. Each time they think I can’t “sink any lower”—I proceed to do so! And by the way, if they’re going to keep using the tired formulation “This time, she’s gone too far!”—can I get an admission that the last sixteen times were, therefore, not “too far”?

I’m almost at the point that I could put together an entire speech containing only lines that make liberals cry. It would be a rather disjointed speech, involving references to Muslims, Katie Couric, Bill Clinton, Max Cleland, Muslims again, Norman Mineta, Justice Stevens, the Jersey Girls, more on the Muslims, Jack Murtha, John Edwards, still more on the Muslims, and Lincoln Chafee—among many others.

To compensate for all the Republicans who go supine at the sound of liberal squalling, I would include a short section in my speech on Strom Thurmond’s contributions to America. I’d fire some of Bush’s U.S. attorneys. I’d have a few jokes about Abu Ghraib—which I think I’m entitled to. I suffered more just listening to the endless repetition of those Abu Ghraib stories than the actual inmates ever did. Then I would wrap it up by laughingly referring to a liberal in the audience as a “macaca.”

Of course, if I start going around making disjointed speeches that make liberals cry, Barack Obama might accuse me of stealing his act.

Liberal hysteria about conservative speech always follows the same pattern; I call it “The Five Stages of Conservative Enlightenment.” There are public denunciations, demands for apologies, letter-writing campaigns, attacks on the sources of your income, and calls for censorship. There will be lots of wailing, but no facts refuting the point behind your hysteria-inducing statement. Liberals prefer denouncing people with idioms—over the top, gone too far, crossed the line, beyond the pale—not substance. Whose line? Whose pale? It almost makes you think they don’t want to talk about the substance.
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Video: This is the funniest book you've ever done. -- Sean Hannity
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Jeremayakovka's Top Ten Questions for Jerry Seinfeld

Honestly I don't think he's that funny. And I never found Seinfeld that funny (I've only seen a couple of episodes -- they just don't grip me as important...), but yesterday Debbie Schlussel had the opportunity to interview Jerry Seinfeld. She asked her readers for questions they would like to pose to him. My purpose in coming up with the following was neither to flatter nor fluster, but to reasonably press him, within the bounds of his person and his profession, to elaborate on:

Top Ten Questions for Jerry Seinfeld

1. Do you consider yourself "a Jewish comedian"? If so, How exactly?
2. What did you think of Munich?
3. What did you think of Schindler's List?
4. Have you ever visited either Auschwitz or Israel?
5. Where were you on the morning of September 11, 2001? How did the news coverage that day (or other means of learning about the attacks) affect you?
6. Have you ever traveled overseas to perform for American servicemen and women? If so, Why? If not, Why not?
7. Had you been offered the role of Daniel Pearl in A Mighty Heart, would you have taken it? If so, Why? If not, Why Not?
8. Mets or Yankees? Jets or Giants? Rangers or Islanders? Knicks or Nets? .... Hillary or Rudy?
9. Have you ever called any woman, seriously or in jest, "an ignorant slut" (a la the original SNL)? If so, Who? Where? When? Why?
10. If you were a tree, what kind would you be?
11. What did you think of Spinal Tap?

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What are your top ten questions for Jerry Seinfeld --   Jason? Debbie? Irina? Allison? Yehudit?

Overheard in a Public Restroom in Minnesota

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I da ho?... Naw. You da ho!!
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* Updated *

Very bad judgment on Senator Larry Craig's part, bad in so many ways. For one thing, boasting to the officer about being a Senator suggests he's used his prestige and privilege to skate through compromising situations in the past. The Romney campaign did the smart and right thing to distance itself from him.

But should he resign? Predictably, many conservative pundits think so: Hewitt, Malkin, Hawkins, Musclehead, Gay Patriot, and probably more. If GOP talent is waiting in the wings to be appointed or can run next year for the seat, then maybe. But if Craig can get his priorities straight, there are good reasons for him to fight to keep his office: on the one hand, Democratic pols like Gerry Studds, Ted and Patrick Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and dozens more; on the other, next year's razor-tight race for the Senate. Republicans sucking their teeth and shaking their heads doesn't have to be the end of the affair. Regardless of what play the Republican huddle comes up with, they still have to do an end-run around being hung out to dry for some MSM-labeled "conservative crisis."

McGreevey resigned, but his affair had compromised New Jersey and national security. Craig has corrupted many things, breaking (in affairs of the heart) laws more unwritten than written, but so far as we know, not national security. Still, if he has a closet-full of skeletons ready to be thrown open (insinuations of secretive gay relationships or trysts, including with pages, have dogged him for years), he should think long and hard about why and how to fight for his office.

I know! Maybe next year he'll run for re-election as an independent. It worked for Joe Lieberman....
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* Update * Chris Crain weighs in with circumspection (and also a legal opinion):

The gay and leftie blogosphere is, of course, gleeful, as is practically every gay person I've talked to in the early hours after the scandal broke....  I just don't understand why we don't see the contradictions in how we cheer on the politics of personal destruction, however self-inflicted.

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FTR, the arresting officer's report.

Berkeley Suffocated

Per Berkeley Breathed's own web site, this Opus comic strip mocking Islamic chic (not sheik) is set to be withheld from print publication, including in the Washington Post.

Writes BB: Note to Opus readers: The Opus strips for August 26 and September 2 have been withheld from publication by a large number of client newspapers across the country, including Opus' host paper The Washington Post. The strips may be viewed in a large format on their respective dates at Salon.com.
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Cowards.

It's not that it's "a harmless expression of free speech" or some such. It is harmful -- or rather, contentious -- in terms of its content (going after self-hating Americans) and its publication (the possibility of CAIR-generated Islamic lawsuits or Islamic violence).

Cowards.

What other newspapers have thus far decided not to run it?

Send your letter of discontent to the WaPo editor here and in the meantime do your part to make the cartoon viral.

(H/T My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy)

Another Gem From the MSM

Breaking headline:

Minn. bridge toll far less than feared

By HENRY C. JACKSON, Associated Press Writer 19 minutes ago

MINNEAPOLIS - Authorities searching the rubble of an interstate bridge collapse lowered the number of people believed missing Friday to eight....

"My Name Is Sue, How Do You Do?"

The other day I posted about both Exodus International's Freedom International conference now underway in Irvine, CA and the Ex-Gay Survivors' Conference about to get underway, also in Irvine. One is a longstanding, evangelical Christian gathering that offers people who are, or who consider themselves, gay or lesbian, etc. a new (heterosexual) life through Jesus Christ. The other is a more recent and concerted effort to keep gays and lesbians, etc., or people who consider themselves gay or lesbian or etc., gay or lesbian. Or etc.

I wonder if there'll be any interaction between the two gatherings this weekend, and if there is, whether it will be, uh, fruitful. Maybe this Johnny Cash classic will break the ice.

Chillin', Not Trillin (No. 6) - "Close, But No Cigar"

A journalist asked Bill Clinton whether French presidential candidate Ségolène Royal conformed to his idea of a beautiful woman. He said, "Close, but no cigar."
-JMK

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For previous "Chillin', Not Trillin" click here.

Chillin', Not Trillin (No. 5) - "Ann of Arc"

I was going to have a few comments on Ann Coulter, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you compare an American conservative to anything French.

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Ann Coulter these days reminds me of Joan of Arc, to wit:
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Ann of Arc

In a land overrun by foreign enemies ... divided within ...
she's the bravest warrior to appear in generations ...
inspiring thousands to battle ...
and victory.

Then she's betrayed by her own people ...
put on trial for heresy ...
convicted ... condemned ...
and publicly executed on a pile of faggots.

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And now, a public service announcement and station identification politics....

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It's a subject "polite" people don't talk about, but every 11 seconds in America a woman thinks Well-behaved women rarely make history. A woman can think about making history anywhere, anytime: at home, work or school ... in a back alley or bedroom ... behind closed doors or in the great outdoors.

Often a woman thinks about making history in the presence of a man she knows intimately. It can be her husband, boyfriend or even another family member. Only a fraction of the times after a woman thinks about making history does she ever tell anyone about it. A woman who thinks about making history might spend the rest of her life burdened or even consumed by intense feelings of shame, inadequacy, and rage. And studies show that thinking about making history damages not just the woman who thinks, but all her relationships. Everyone is affected when a woman thinks about making history.

But there's hope. Thanks to the courageous efforts of many women (and men), today all across America women are no longer just thinking about making history. Women are talking about and women are making history. Now. More than ever.

The next time a woman thinks about making history in America -- the next time a woman makes history in America -- what are you going to do about it?

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I have pre-dated this post for March 8 in honor of International Women's Day Ann Coulter.

Fox News Channel recently rolled out the 1/2 Hour News Hour featuring her as vice president. So far, so good. I dare Fox and the Rightosphere to take it to the next level by declaring

March 2: "International Ann Coulter Day"

Lenny Bruce was reincarnated as a shicksa Republican goddess and career conservatives can't deal with it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, George Will.

Ann, you are right, it was an excellent joke. Thanks for beginning "the conversation"!

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Rehab "a total indulgence," says American Idol judge.

From George Bernard Shaw's introduction to his play Saint Joan (which I read in high school and out of which copied the following into my diary): The test of sanity lies not in the normality of the methods, but in the reasonableness of the discovery.

Edwards "kind of cute." -- Barack Obama

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Oh, and I was going to have a few comments about the other Democratic presidential candidate, Ms. Rodham Clinton, but it turns out that under a Hillary Administration you could be audited by the IRS if you use the word "dyke."
-- JMK

Ron Carey in "God Loves Rock 'N Roll"

Comic actor Ron Carey, best known for playing Officer Levitt in the 70s sitcom Barney Miller (click <--- to listen to the famous theme in a neverending loop) and for his supporting roles in many a Mel Brooks movie, died of a stroke a couple of months ago. Obit here.
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It seems that the reliable comic sidekick was also a song and dance man. Here he is in a little-known musical short, in priest's get-up smoking and twisting on the steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral in midtown Manhattan. (For JMK-II and Ralph, especially.)

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(Ron Carey (center) in a still from the set of Barney Miller.)

Chillin', Not Trillin (No. 4) - "Rush lied!"

On The 1/2 Hour News Hour

Rush Lied

"Rush lied!"
Liberals cried.
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In the debut episode of THHNH Rush Limbaugh played the next president of the United States, using a cigar in the Oval Office in an appropriate manner and meeting with Vice President Ann Coulter. The pair do have a certain star power, WaPo concedes.

Per Robert at Seraphic Secret, this explicitly conservative comedy pilot is racking up great ratings for Fox TV and is immediately competitive with the aggressively anti-Bush, anti-conservative Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, etc.

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(For previous entries in this series, see the "Chillin' Not Trillin" category in the left column.)

Dennis Miller - Comedian Pundit

* Update 2/18 * "I Got Hate Mail!"

Ever since he hit the bigtime on Saturday Night Live, I always thought Dennis Miller was ... ok. Consistent and punchy, if not riproaringly funny. There's an abrasive side to him, too, which doesn't really win me over and which, frankly, I chalked up to him being short. (Short guys who get ahead in life learn early on to fight for attention, turf, the limelight, etc.) So when he moved into football broadcasting I was surprised but also impressed. It showed he was curious and hungry, as well as multi-talented. What next? I wondered.

Since 9/11 Dennis Miller's become an outspoken celebrity supporter of a forward, aggressive, American posture toward engaging Islamic terror. It's completely changed the way I see him. Now I appreciate his abrasiveness and punchiness like never before. With those, he boils down his message to some of the shortest and funniest sound bites around. Here's a clip of his recent remarks on Bank of America, Rudy Giuliani, and Anna Nicole Smith.

There Are Two Blogospheres -- And It's Wrong, It's Wrong!

* Updated! *

The outhouse it is!

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"There's the door, Amanda."

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Tell it like it is, Glenn:

A lot of the lefty bloggers are up in arms that this has become a scandal.... I suspect that this is because a lot of them would like to join the establishment, and now fear that their prior anti-establishment rantings will get in the way.

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Michelle Malkin's comic star is rising. In today's vlog she rips into potty-mouthed but apparently not potty-trained Amanda Marcotte, the recently-hired campaign blogger for John "Two Americas" Edwards's presidential campaign. I mean, how can this vlog not make you laugh?

Many bloggers, including myself, pepper their posts with punchy profanities. From her excerpts that I've read, however, Ms. Marcotte seems to suffer sometimes from superficial news analysis which no amount of profanity, no matter how ... spirited, can accentuate. See Michelle's link for lots of coverage of the eyebrows this issue is raising in the MSM and the blogosphere.

Ms. Marcotte might end up not just in the doghouse but in the outhouse!

More Mel

Well, talk about bad taste!

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"Springtime for Hitler" is one of the funniest, most memorable musical numbers Hollywood has ever produced. That's why The Producers won Mel Brooks the 1968 Oscar for Best Original Screenplay and thirty-five years later spawned the phenomenally popular revival on Broadway and, once more, in Hollywood. Good for Mel, good for JMK, good for you, Gentle Reader. Yet watching "Springtime for Hitler" again -- thinking of recent posts about of Ahmedinejad in Iran, anti-semitism in the UK, and apathy in the US -- helps me put my finger on a reservation I've always had about that musical number and about political comedy generally.

These promotional materials from The Producers DVD, a couple of on-camera clips of Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder, helped, too. Looking back as old men now on their first smash comic collaboration (Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein are the others), they offer some insight into the uses -- and, inadvertently, the limitations -- of political humor and satire. Says Mel (in Windows Media; in Real Player):

The way to deal with despots like Hitler is not to get on a soapbox and fight [them] with rhetoric, but to fight them with ridicule, to laugh at them. To laugh them into oblivion rather than with philosophy or psychology.... You can't win a debate with those guys, that's what they're born to do, but you can certainly make fun of them and laugh them into eternity. [emphases added]

These are the words of one who, besides protecting some consummate comedian turf, is comfortably removed in space and in time from the threat of Adolf Hitler. Or someone who thinks he is. You do have to get on a soapbox and fight them, you do have to debate them, and you do have to win. Yet we know that it's not, in the end, about debating -- it's a fight to the death. So while in a sense Mel is right -- that you cannot debate with people who categorically deny your humanity -- you still have to brave their threat. Evil can never be laughed into eternity, it can only be airbrushed out of the picture momentarily.

"Mel used to say I was the perfect victim," says Gene Wilder in his interview. That strikes me as more funny (peculiar) than funny (ha-ha). So funny that it's sad. A sadness that no amount of ridicule can laugh into eternity....

"Well, talk about bad taste!" exclaims a disgusted audience member as she quits the theater. Exactly. What Mel Brooks laughed into eternity with "Springtime for Hitler" was not the Third Reich but the "fourth wall" behind which a conventional and often complacent theater-going public comfortably sits. It's a worthy accomplishment for Hollywood in 1968, although nowhere near an antidote for Hamburg in 1938 or Haifa in 2008.

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These jottings were kicked into gear by:

* today's Christians United Against the New Anti-Semitism post on the peaceful German majority;

* last week's Solomonia post about Saturday Night Live's spoof of Mel Gibson's Apocalypto; and

* yesterday's post here about Mel Brooks's spoof of the Spanish Inqusition.

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See also today's post by Fausta quoting Mark Steyn on Muslims in television sitcoms.

Video: Gingrich's Address at Last Weekend's Conservative Summit

Neocon Express has it.

Rich Lowry [I hope I identified him correctly] introduces with humor: The stakes are enormous, we face a determined, vicious enemy ...  and we also face challenges overseas.

Newt in fact is upbeat -- upbeat and funny (I'm putting this in the "Humor" category, mind you) -- starting off with great anecdotes about breaking into electoral politics in the mid-70s. Took him three tries to get to Congress, but he finally did in '78. Then he tells how he decided to build a Congressional majority:

It's important to remember: we lost in '82, '84, '86, '88, '90, '92, '94.  So when we finally won in '96 it wasn't just a good year. It was a long investment.

Without Jimmy Carter I'm not sure you'd ever get Ronald Reagan.

I think this whole [two-year presidential election] process is stupid.... This idea, which is entirely consultant-driven, and is a full-employment program for consultants.... Let me tell you: consultants are not the friends of the conservative movement. Consultants are technicians, they have no sense of history and they are largely cynical. Conservatism is historic and romantic and idealistic -- it is antithetical to the consultant culture of the Republican Party... What we need is a year [2007] of people talking about solutions as Americans....

You have a Republican Party culture which resents language, resents ideas, resents intellectuals, resents having to account for itself, resents having to be articulate.... That is not a way to lead the country.

We're in a fight with the elites....  Just as in the late 1930s the English elite was desperate not to think about Adolf Hitler, the American elite is desperate not to confront how deep and how real and how serious this is because it will shatter their entire worldview.

Iraq is Sicily in the scale of the Second World War.

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Great stuff, indispensable stuff.

Listen to the librarian's question at minute 34.... the schoolteacher in western Maine, at minute 44, who has two Muslim students....

I'm going now to listen to the rest. You really should, too.

Extra! In Case You Missed It

The (in)famous Saturday Night Live skit featuring Joe Cocker and John Belushi, interpreted by JMK. Enjoy! I give you "permission" to like it, Gentle Reader: in cyberspace, after all, no one sees you laugh....

Only Nine Weeks To Go

Costello: Well, you know, I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team so when I meet 'em on the street or in the ball park I'll be able to say hello to those people.

Abbott: Why, sure! I'll introduce you to the boys! They give 'em funny names, though, Lou.

Costello: Oh, I know, they give those ballplayers awfully funny names.

Comedy is like sports: timing is everything.

"Too Much To Do Before I Die!" - John Belushi

What's great about Saturday Night Live is that it allows already accomplished performers to try something completely new in a no-prisoners format where just about anything goes. Just last weekend, for example, SNL Hillaryously roasted The Woman Who Would Be President and The Former Jimmy Carter Speechwriter Who Loves Her. It's kind of like blogging, actually.

One of the most daring skits from SNL's original glory days is Joe Cocker's impersonation of John Belushi. If you grew up with this, then I know you know what I'm talking about. It's incredible: Cocker's got Belushi down -- the arms, the face, even the hair! Maybe it's because of the strong impression it made on me as a child, but ... I never knew Cocker was such a good comic actor. It must have been tough mimicking Belushi, but check out how, compared to John, Joe plays it cool. Understated (almost). You can tell he didn't want to overdo it and end up offending Belushi. Only a special caliber of performer can be so modest about displaying his talent -- so modest and yet so genuine, so ... so vulnerable.... That Joe Cocker: he isn't just priceless, he's flawless! See for yourself:

SNL - Cocker and Belushi
Uploaded by PigLips

Pardon the digression (having just watched the video, I'm real emotional right now...), but if you're at all like me then John Belushi was the most inspiring of the original "Not Ready for Prime Time Players." Most SNL fans don't, can't appreciate how much John put in to making the show what it was, nor how difficult it must have been for him having to harness his great, God-given talent -- week-in week-out, year-in year-out -- not because, of course, but despite whatever obstacles life threw in his way. (Oh, how I hate that word "handicapped"! Don't you?)

Forget "being John Malkovich" -- think about being John Belushi. That's right -- being John Fucking Belushi! Can you imagine how lonely it must have been, at times, being him? Admit it: Did you or anyone you know really appreciate him the way he really deserved -- appreciate his struggles, his triumphs -- until it was too late? I didn't. So I'm glad, just glad that at least once in his career John Belushi got to let it all hang out in a way we could all laugh at. Laugh with him, not at him! For that you can thank Joe Cocker.

Here are some stills from Joe and John's great duet of "Feelin' Alright," performed live on Saturday October 2, 1976, which you hopefully just watched. (The close-up (bottom, right) is from a different performance.):

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The best part about the number is that John really was such a good sport. Did you notice how he offered Joe a drink and at the end even offered to shake his hand? So few of us really get how much of himself John Belushi was putting on the line back in '76. On the line -- every time!... That takes courage! Not to mention class.

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.........................................................John Belushi, 1949 - 1982

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Hey, Stevie! Real quick: How many fingers?

What's In A Thumb Up?

Two American generations now have had their opinions formed, or nudged slightly, by Roger Ebert's signature movie reviews. He sums up a movie, packaging encyclopedic knowledge into Kaffeeklatch format, turning -- for just a few minutes -- your living room into a screening room. With a Thumb Up!... (or Down) he decrees, like Roman emperors did of gladitorial combatants, a film's fate.

One thing's for sure. Ebert is the height of popular authority on mainstream movie releases. This status as gatekeeper of where the celluloid meets the box office is exactly what he has worked for, worked so very hard and consistently for, most of his adult life. Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Is it "It is what it is"?

Don't think JMK doesn't know that Roger Ebert is an institution. And while it's possible, and probably advisable, to take a cue or two from Ebert, let us not confuse the roly-poly, critical conversationalist with the institution. For remember what David Mamet once said: if you hang around an institution long enough, they let you become one of the guards.

On that note, for a kick-ass comic strip take on Roger Ebert's institutionalness, see Udargo's, "The Thumbs of Fate." You'll never look at a movie Roger Ebert the same way again. For example:
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Me, I miss Gene.

* * *

In case you're wondering, as this Progressive magazine interview shows, he's definitely liberal politically. He's certainly earned a place in the cultural sun to speak his mind and have it heard. And he hasn't forgotten the critical bottom line: [A] movie isn't good or bad based on its politics. It's usually good or bad for other reasons, though you might agree or disagree with its politics. With his stamps of approval to Michael Moore and Sean Penn and Adrien Brody, Ebert displays a seamless comfort zone where a leftwing politic has sewn itself onto the mainstream cloth. (On the other hand,
Frontpage pounced on that interview in "The Shrill Shill.")

Find the Messiah

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Very funny
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Could be
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Yeah, right. (Drink Coke, play again!)
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You might just have to wait

Hezbollah, Mon Amour

* Update (01/10/2007): see also neo-neocon's reflections on growing up in the shadow of Hiroshima  *

Sometimes we have to avoid thinking about the problems life presents.
- Marguerite Duras, Hiroshima, Mon Amour

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Late year tasks will mean patchier posting this and next week.  For now, here's a look back in contempt at the media manipulations and fauxtography that surfaced during Israel's retaliatory war against Hezbollah last summer: Hezbollah, Mon Amour.

The post originally appeared as a comment under Jake Novak's "Top Ten French Middle East Peace Proposals." For more on Hezbollah's calculated, ruthless, and deadly abuse of the mainstream media and on that media's complicity -- not to mention Hezbollah's deadly abuse of non-combatant Lebanese civilians -- please see:

Michelle Malkin's "Reuters Withdraws all [Adnan] Hajj photos"
Russell Berman's "A Critical Theory of Hezbollah"
Honest Reporting's "Dishonest Reporter of the Year"

See also: "Lesbollah"

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Hezbollah, Mon Amour is based loosely on Marguerite Duras's screenplay for Hiroshima, Mon Amour: While Israeli forces drive through southern Lebanon, an alcoholic Frenchwoman -- haunted by memories of her affair, under German occupation, with a soldier of the Wehrmacht (and of her public humiliation after the liberation) -- has a one-night stand with a Shiite Lebanese Hezbollah sympathizer in Beirut....
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Hezbollah, Mon Amour

SCENE ONE - BEIRUT APARTMENT - NIGHT

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SHE
Je t'aime.
[I love you.]

HE
Je t'aime.
(Sound of EXPLOSIONS. Through the window little SMOKE PLUMES rise on the horizon.)

SHE
Je t'aime!
(They embrace. SHE kisses him. They pull apart.)

HE
Je t'aime, mais...
[I love you, but...]
(HE looks down. Close-up of a KORAN and an AK-47.)

HE
... j'aime Allah ... plus!
[I love Allah ... more!]
(HE scoops up the KORAN and the AK-47. SHE grabs his shoulders from behind, presses her head into his back.)

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SHE
(collapsing onto his back, sobbing)
Je comprends.
[I understand.]

HE
(shaking her off)
Non! T'comprends pas.
[No, you don't understand.]
(HE spins around to face HER. SHE stands tall again, her FACE twisted. SHE draws back HER HAND to slap him. HE grabs HER WRISTS, crushes them together, and yanks her towards him.)

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SHE
(shaking her head, exhausted)
Non... comprends pas, mais ...
(entreating his eyes with hers)
je t'aime!
[No, I don't understand, but ... I love you!]

(Close-up of their FACES pressed within an inch of each other - but not kissing - and HER HANDS, pressed together at the wrists, prayer-like, between HIS FISTS.)
HE gazes at her, then shakes her off. SHE TUMBLES into the corner where the KORAN and AK-47 had sat. HE walks out. Sound of another EXPLOSION. Through the window another SMOKE PLUME rises on the horizon.)

SHE
(crouching, shaking)
Sales juifs!
[Dirty Jews!]

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SCENE TWO - DEMOLISHED BUILDING - DAY

(Close-up of HIM lying sprawled out in rubble, HIS HAND clenching his AK-47, the KORAN nearby.)

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(Pull back to ARAB WOMEN beating their chests and ARAB MEN pulling debris away.)

(Pull back further to INTERNATIONAL JOURALISTS photographing the scene.)

(The JOURNALISTS leave.)

(One of the ARAB MEN slaps HIM on the shoulder. HE grabs the AK-47 and KORAN, springs to his feet, and dusts himself off....)

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# # #
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The Emergency Holocaust System

Broadcast on a television network somewhere east of Eden....
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[Long, droning BEEP]

This is a test, this is only a test, of the Emergency Holocaust System. Had there been an actual Holocaust in your area, local mullahs would have instructed you where to go and what to do (as they do habitually) -- and denied that any Holocaust had ever happened.

This has been a test of the Emergency Holocaust System....

Chillin', Not Trillin (No. 1) - "Jews Item"

Jews Item

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear bomb belts.
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If you were raised in or around a left-leaning intellectual ilieu, as I was back in Manhattan, then you were raised around The Nation magazine. For years my mother subscribed to what is plainly the American Left's flagship publication. It has been published continuously since 1865, outstripping in longevity Mother Jones (1976), Dissent (1954), and even the truly erudite The New Republic (1917). As David judges summarily, The Nation is "a left-wing propaganda mill whose efforts to promote socialism in America and abroad have everywhere failed." To my mother, however, a woman not actively engaged in politics but who in her psychic and temperamental way felt in excess, The Nation was a primary source for synthesizing current events and sympathizing with much of its sorrow and some of its socializing hope. During the years of my first formation it was, then, one of my primary sources as well.

I remember that floppy, gray rag arriving in the mail each week. This was before it caught up with 20th Century publishing standards, when (at the dawn of the 21st) it finally decided to go with a four-color cover. How I wormed my way through its articles, same as I did with the Village Voice, absorbing in chunks the latest received wisdom about, say, Ortega's Nicaragua or Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition. Such soft piety left its mark: in the 1988 New York Democratic primary I cast my first ever presidential vote for Jesse Jackson. Later than year I went on to defy Democratic (and probably The Nation's) logic by writing in Jackson's name on the November ballot. Alreadyy I was showing signs - as former Nation-columnist Chris Hitchens would say - a young contrarian: a young contrarian among (and already contrary to) other contrarians. I'm still the contrarian I once was, if not more so.

Which brings us back to The Nation.

* * *

If you know anything about The Nation, then you know the weekly, wee too witty rhymes penned by- quirky in-house bard, its left-wing limericist, its "deadline poet" Calvin Trillin.

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Typical Trillin:

Cheney's "Last Throes"

When rockets fly and battle smoke is thick,
It's good to hear from "Four Deferments Dick."
He's always sure. He knows what warfare is--
Enough to know it's not for him or his.
Insurgents somehow, though they're in the throes,
Kill more GIs-- but no one Cheney knows.
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Here are two recent impressions of the man (like Philip Roth minus the moxie, no?):

Calvin Trillin is not a physically imposing man. He is short, maybe 5’6” or 5’7”, with a slight build. But when he begins to speak, Trillin’s low monotone voice is transfixing. He rambles and reminisces and digresses freely, his speech broken by the words “uh” and “sort of.”
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You know, I read this and think Lenny Bruce would wipe his ass with Calvin Trillin. Even as The Nation, and every foul-mouthed comic, milk Bruce's misfit martyrdom to demonstrate how much they extol (i.e., the Left extols) "free speech" ("freedom," which the Left often conflates with "license") there's just no way Bruce would let himself be caught -- dead or alive -- with Calvin Trillin. No way. Not if I have my way, that is.

I think it's time to get in touch with and purge my "inner Trillin."So  I pledge, Gentle Reader, for your consumption and amusement to start coming up with nifty "neoconservative" limericks. Hey, if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. And what better way than at their own game? Do I have the right stuff to be the War on Terror's "deadline poet"? With Jeff Goldstein at Protein Wisdom single-handedly redefining the post-9/11 haiku, maybe I can turn a trick with the limerick.

* * *

The two-line ditty that started off this post is an homage to "News Item" by Dottie Parker (to whom JMK recently paid affectionate tribute). Like Trillin, Parker was an Smart Assimilated Jew who did well in New York magazine publishing. Like some SAJ's, though, she may have been too smart for her own good. For Judaism, perhaps, and in some ways even that of the reading public.

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More to come. Many thanks to all of JMK's amazing, amusing friends, friendly, main muses, and the Blogfather, who, in their own priceless ways, have  made "Chillin', Not Trillin" -- and the entire Jeremayakovka project -- possible.

Charm School: Fausta-, Dorothy Parker-, and Grandmother-Style

(Welcome, Right Wing News readers. Thanks, John, for the nod.)

(Updates 12/11: After you read this, see Fausta take the discussion one step beyond.... Also: Alas, poor Dottie! JMK knows her better than ever.)

Gentlemen, pay attention! It's Chris Hitchens's light refracted though Fausta's prism. Hitch ponders a so-called "humor gap" between the sexes in "Why Women Aren't Funny." (btw, another, very refractive prism here.) Fausta ripostes:

[A] guy will tell you a lot about himself and what he thinks about you, and how comfortable he is when he's with you when he says something that makes you laugh.  He may not be trying to be funny, but you can find great honesty in humor.

The premium seems to be on honesty and hardly on charm. If honesty from the man -- to the woman's satisfaction, at least -- is not forthcoming, then it would seem, according to Fausta, that some manner of extracting or securing it becomes the woman's chief concern. Ah! all these mental tribulations while avoiding pain and seeking pleasure in pursuit of suitable companionship....

(Update, Fausta clarifies: I must clarify that I place a premium not on honesty as of itself, but in the comfort zone that brings in humor, self-disclosure, and a sense of fun. You can't have fun when uncomfortable. That, and hopefully what follows, will help us all breathe easier.)

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Not exactly related (but not unrelated either and, besides, I've been wanting to blog about this for a while...): this brings to mind Dorothy Parker's "light verse." Such verse -- which formally resembles much of Edna St. Vincent Millay's poesy (including the sonnets) -- is for the most part a continuous, lyrical lament over troubles between the sexes. Her most famous poem, "News Item," is not even remembered by most as a  poem, instead having installed itself in American English as a popular quip. Gentle Reader, I bet you've heard "News Item," and you just didn't know it had appeared in Parker's collection Enough Rope (1926). It goes: "Men seldom make passes/At girls who wear glasses."

If I didn't first hear that one from my grandmother, then I do recall that she remarked it to me a while back. We were having a pleasant, sit-down conversation on her Miami Beach couch about, oh, relations between the sexes. It was in that pleasant, old-school way in which an 80 year-old brings up the subject with a 20 year-old. (Like I said, it was a while back.) Such an old-school way is, unfortunately, a way that seems to have disappeared from the face of the Earth (to everyone's loss and -- to those of us who know what we're missing -- chagrin). So my grandmother quipped away to the tune of Dorothy Parker. I might add that she quipped with, perhaps, an air of sly delight and even a little triumph. For she herself never had to wear glasses (except in her later years for reading).

The implied lesson, I figured, is to be appreciative of women whether or not they wear glasses, and, like the song says, to try a little tenderness around women who do. Now it just so happens that, yes, in the course of my life I have had occasion to offer feedback to significant women who wear glasses -- occasioned not because they have asked me to do so, but because they seem to have asked me not to do so. The occasion usually arises in a moment of grim, mumbled foreboding, something along the lines of: I have to put on my glasses now.... implying, more or less: Don't make a face! or If you love me, you won't say anything!

Then comes the moment of truth and misunderstanding. Because, really, deep down, I think glasses are cute. Not the Ray-Ban this and Ferragamo that. I mean simply a pair of specs on the face of The Most Important Woman in the World. Because, usually, when she puts them on the contacts have come out, the rest of the world is left out there, and she's settling in to her comfiest homebody self. And I'm part of what makes and keeps her homebody comfy. It doesn't get much better than that.

But then I ruin it. I ruin it simply by saying what's on my mind.

-You look wonderful in your glasses!
-Oh, please!
-Wait, I mean it, which I accent with a mild sigh.
-No, I don't.
-Oh, yes you do. You really do.... Offered in just the right tone, this should allow her to ignore, for just a little while, all that burdensome foreign matter splayed across her nose. But then I kill the moment, kill it by saying what I really feel: If you only knew how good you look right now.
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-To me! How good you look. To me.

To me, yes, but to no avail. She shakes her head, not relieved and definitely not amused, and makes a bee-line into the next room. I know the moment's passed because she's doing something practical like folding a dish towel or checking a stapler to see if it needs reloading. The charm -- if there was any -- is gone. Possibly the thrill, too. All because I was trying, sincerely trying to do right by my grandmother and by Dorothy Parker. Maybe the solution is to hook up only with women who have perfect vision (that, or entire cabinets full of contact lenses)?

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Back to the drawing board. Here are two more examples from that volume of "light verse." Frankly, they are harrowing lessons in the harm inflicted by -- to say the least -- having neglected to work on one's charm:
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De Profundis

Oh, is it, then, Utopian
To hope that I may meet a man
Who'll not relate, in accents suave,
The tales of girls he used to have?

Men

They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They'll try to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person
They cannot let you go your gate;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.

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In conclusion, all I can say is that there must be a place for charm along with humor and honesty. There must be. I mean, there is a way to hail a woman as a star, because in that regard JMK has defied Dottie's expectations. (Not deified and not defiled them, mind you). So there must be a charming way to compliment a woman on her glasses. There must be!

What's so funny about that?

"In the Beginning Was Class Struggle...."

The People's Cube outdoes itself with a hilarious end run around the Festivus/Leftivus/anti-Christianism that's out in force during this Christmas season. It's "The Progressive Bible"!

Anti-Dhimmitude Travel Tips from Ann Coulter

"What Can I Do To Make Your Flight More Uncomfortable," she asks:

Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether.

Witnesses said the imams stood to do their evening prayers in the terminal before boarding, chanting "Allah, Allah, Allah" – coincidentally, the last words heard by hundreds of airline passengers on 9/11 before they died....

Spare Change To Help Me Get To The U.N.?

*** Updated ***
[See also: "Costume Jihad and Costume Counter-Jihad"]

One fatwa-worthy Halloween costume:
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(The smaller script reads, "(Allah bless)" and "STATELESS BUT NOT HELPLESS! ")

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*** Updates (11/2, 11/3)  ***

Praise:
* Asher calls it "The Best Halloween Costume of the Year"!
* Cinnamon gushes, "Homeless/terrorist chic has never looked so good!"

Vindication, or why it's never "too soon" to dress up as a Homeless Suicide Bomber:
* A University of Pennsylvania undergraduate struts suicide bomber chic alongside the university's president.

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The difference? What he struts and the university president abets, I subvert.
Hugh Hewitt says he should have been ejected from the party.
The bigger picture, from Victor Hanson:

[T]his is what we, in America, collectively, have to guard against, that we don't allow these people, these affluent elites, who are cynical, skeptical, nihilistic [to] adjudicate what America is about.

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From earlier this year, how a Homeless Suicide Bomber trained for his mission:

One Counter-Jihadist's Trick is Another Jihadist's Treat

This airplane debris, strewn as a Halloween prank in front of this home by its owner, brought police to the premises believing there had been a real and deadly plane crash. (Thanks to Pastorius for this one.)
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The al-Qaedettes

Remember The Rockettes, the world-class line dancers made famous by New York's Radio City Music Hall? Well, my friend just tipped me to his wicked spoof, The al-Qaedettes:

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Could it be springtime for Osama and Afghanistan?

Top Ten Tasteless Cory Lidle Jokes

* Updates *
More on Cory Lidle's fatal plane crash here.
If you think this is in bad taste, then read about the conspiracy theories.
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Bonus #12 - Lidle will be forever remembered as The Yankee Clipped.

Bonus #11 - One of his off-season goals was to work on his sinker.

#10 - And in today's sports roundup.... Yankee relief pitcher Cory Lidle was hurling nothing but high heat.... 

#9 - Sure he was in shape, but every athlete sooner or later hits "the wall."

#8 - His last thought was, Damn, those drapes are UGLY!

#7 - The crash gives new meaning to the term "nosebleed seats."

#6 - Look for a commemorative poem, something like "Cory at the SPLAT."

#5 - Next season Major League Baseball will introduce a new statistic: the Earned Runway Average.
(Update (10/13) Stranger than fiction: A-Rod's private jet jumps runway)

#4 - Lidle's passenger really didn't know much about baseball and had asked him to explain how the foul pole works.

#3 - He'd taunted Lidle by saying, "I flew with Jack Kennedy, Jr. Jack Kennedy, Jr. was a friend of mine. Cory, you’re no Jack Kennedy, Jr."

#2 - NY Post headline: CORY LIDLE TRADED TO THE ANGELS
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And the #1  Tasteless Cory Lidle Joke -

Announcer’s Voice: "Cory Lidle, how do YOU spell relief?"
Cory Lidle: "C-I-R-R-U-S!"

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Vanity Fair Mentions Jeremayakovka!

Well, almost.

Yesterday a Vanity Fair editor mentioned on his blog something I'd posted online. Not JMK, just something I'd written on another blog. The editor's comment was entirely unflattering -- in his view my wordsmanship is one of many "bubblings from the tar pit" that issue from the formidable and widely-read Gates of Vienna.

Bubblings from the tar pit ... ?

"Well," thinks JMK, "I'll show him!"

But how?

How does one rise to the challenge of a virtual three-martini, mid-afternoon, midtown Manhattan bar fight, a bar fight with an editor of a Condé Nast flagship publication? A publication that routinely showcases men coiffed à la Joe Wilson and, in the most extremely revealing prêt-à-porter poses, women of the likes of Scarlett Johansen, Keira Knightley, Hilary Swank, and Kate Moss?

Do I tug one by one at the fingers of my eminently metrosexual deerskin glove, bristling with each pull as my pique rises to and flushes my cheeks? Do I fix a barreling stare of contempt on those jellied orbs bobbing in thin, gin-soaked sockets before I yank the soft, supply-stitched men's accessory off my febrile hand and -- with a vicious backhand perfected Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons on the most climate-controlled racquetball courts in New York  -- splay (nay, spank!) that supercilious visage while delivering the ultimate insult: "You cad!"

Ought I to challenge him to a duel atop, say, the New Jersey Palisades?  They're not what they once were, but, being where Burr and Hamilton cruelly consummated their seething feud (and criminally consecrated our early American soil), surely the outlandish likes of late republican swashbuckling keyboardistas -- said editor and petit moi -- are fit so that that ground may once more be grimly graced?

The time has come to fight, fight, I say! This is no mere bagatelle. Mais, non! Non, non! Je vous accuse, monsieur!!!

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O blood, blood, blood! ....
Never, Iago: Like to the Pontic sea,
Whose icy current and compulsive course
Ne'er feels retiring ebb, but keeps due on
To the Propontic and the Hellespont,
Even so my bloody thoughts, with violent pace,
Shall ne'er look back, ne'er ebb to humble love,
Till that a capable and wide revenge
 Swallow them up. Now, by yond marble heaven,
................................................(Kneels)
In the due reverence of a sacred vow
I here engage my words ......... [emphasis added]

[Othello, III, iii]

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Bubblings from the tar pit ... ? My arse!

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"So, what the heck set JMK off?" you may be wondering.

Last month Gates of Vienna sponsored a contest to find the best new slogans to support Western Civilization's war on Islamofascism. And while I regret the GofV's judges', IMHO, somewhat challenged powers of discrimination (i.e., my several submissions escaped their honors), Vanity Fair Contributing Editor James Wolcott yesterday seized upon one of my submissions in his intellectually vagrant, obliquely anti-Reaganesque post, "Five Minutes to Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." Click on it, Gentle Reader, and you will be able to read his citation of my (now) infamously meritorious call to arms:

KILL A JIHADI FOR MOMMIE!

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* * *

Not one to suffer an insult, either, GofV today announces that it's sponsoring a "Choose an Epithet for James Wolcott Contest."

If you like what you've read here and what you read at G0fV, jump right in. The Baron is so tickled he can hardly type.  My sentiments exactly.

Update 9/6: The Baron ups the ante on Wolcott al-Walkat with, "Oona Goota, Solo?"

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And btw, James, if you're reading this, one more thing:
"brain stormers" (as you wrote on your blog) is properly spelled as one word, not two.

best,
JMK

Lesbollah

For several years, the misfit outfits "Queers for Palestine" and "Queers Undermining Israeli Terrorism" (QUIT) have militated for the destruction of Israel under the banner of agitating for Palestinian rights. They have done so since the 2000 resumption of the Arab war-by-Palestinian-proxy against the Jews (also known as "the al-Aqsa Intifada"), and maybe since before that. If you live in the real world you probably have never heard of "Queers for Palestine" and "QUIT," but the sad fact is that they are a freak-show fixture of the lib/rad "scene" in and around the San Francisco intergalactic zip code and beyond.

"Queers for Palestine" and "QUIT" consistently:

* oppose Israeli anti-terrorist operations in the Palestinian territories;
* endorse divestment from the region's most thriving economy (and most thriving democracy); and, most notoriously . . .
* endorse (click for image) the Arab demographic atom bomb aimed at the heart of Israeli civil society, the so-called "right of return"

Someone should spell out for these people that the very territories they purport to support are among the most dangerous places on Earth for any gay or lesbian person. But it's difficult to believe they're anything but a pathologically self-hating, morally fractured sect when their latest fundraiser is held at a bar called "DeBasement" and when their current organizing effort is to boycott the 2006 World Pride Conference for gays and lesbians because it's being held in . . . Jerusalem!

With the outbreak this month of the Israel-Hezbollah War (or, War of Tammuz; or, as JMK called it from the start, "a defensive counter-attack in the longer war against jihad"), a brand new jihadist rallying cry is being raised in the battle to shape public opinion over it. This cry has begun circulating on the Left faster than a fast-tracked fatwa: "We are all Hizbullah."

Well, JMK has learned through its intelligence channels that the "We are all Hizbullah" meme is spreading like wildfire through the "hearts and minds" of some of the western Left. Its success stems from exploiting an already-existing split among the the "queer" pro-Palestine crowd.  The exact repercussions remain to be seen, but we can state with some certainty that a militant feminist faction has burst forth from "Queers for Palestine" and "QUIT" and is seizing this historical moment to assert itself with unprecedented and shocking force.

The faction is "Lesbians in Solidarity with Hezbollah," more commonly known by its quasi-acronym, Lesbollah.

Unfortunately, little is known about the exact numbers and locations of Lesbollah's sleeper cells, except that they are believed to have formed in large cities in the United States, Western Europe and Israel (including on large college campuses), but nowhere near southern Lebanon.  Lesbollah may, or may not, be affiliated with "Terrorist Dykes," which formed autonomously in Greenwich Village, New York in 2003, but which appears to have links to a militant feminist socialist group in Michigan, a known hotspot of Hezbollah organizing in the United States. Most of JMK's intelligence on Lesbollah, however, comes from the interception of propaganda communiques (stapled prominently on many college campuses' announcement kiosks), which lead with one of the following phrases:

Lesbollah: Wymyn killin' wymyn 4 Allah
Lesbollah: Puttin' the "she" back in "shiite"
Lesbollah: "I am jihad. Hear me roar."
Lesbollah: Sporting the longest shoulder-fired rockets and the shortest fingernails in "the resistance"

If you, Gentle Reader, come across any further Lesbollah communiques -- including print, video, or other media formats -- JMK urges you to email them to us or list them in the Comments section without delay so that other concerned readers may learn more about this stealthy, determined, and implacable enemy of Western civilization.

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Breaking Update (7/25): Thanks to inside sources -- including at least one member of Congress and a writer for the recently-cancelled TV series West Fling -- JMK has reason to believe that one or both of the women featured in the following photograph may have sensitive information about Lesbollah activities:

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What I want answered, JMK, is what the American people -- and what I think all decent Israeli, Palestinian, and Lebanese people -- want answered.  And that is: What, if any, knowledge is Mrs. Clinton or Mrs. Arafat privy to that will lead to the arrest, prosecution, and conviction of Lesbollah operatives, whether in the United States or in the Middle East? In other words, what are either of these women hiding that is endangering American, Israeli, Palestinian, or Lebanese lives?

-- Sen. Hattrick Layshe, of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee (speaking off the record)

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Further Update (7/27): More (and related) stuff you can't make up: Hillary Clinton is busted! That is, a bust of her is to be enshrined in the Museum of Sex(?). Talk about Expose the Left .  And how better to do so than with an edition of Vent at Hot Air.

Super Duper Further Update (3/30/2007): Arab Lesbians gather publicly in Israel.

Home Improvement - Zionist Style

Well, it's the weekend.  I'm home, puttering around the blogosphere (and getting up to pace now and then) as I follow Israel's defensive counterattack in its long war for survival.  What's in the news? A UAV Iranian missile Chinese missile(?) slammed an Israeli warship - not good.  Olmert gives Syria 72 hours to desist supporting Hezbollah and remand the Israeli hostages - not good enough, IMHO. [I knew it! -JMK (7/18)]

Being the weekend, though, this is a very good time for getting around to long overdue repairs around the house.  Not little items like changing lightbulbs or recaulking the shower.  No, I'm talking really involved projects -- the ones most people put off and keep putting off, but which never go away by themselves. 

Like hauling away scrap metal

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tackling hard-to-reach structural repairs

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and, of course, pest removal

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Now, the first principle of any maintenance job is to always, always, always -- before you do anything else -- select the right tool.  You want to do the job just once, which means you have to do it right. Looking through my Cultural-Ideological Toolbox here, I notice not one but three hammers.  Three hammers is two too many for one Cultural-Ideological Toolbox. Let's take a look at the hammers and see which is the right tool for this weekend's long overdue household repairs:

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First there's the Anti-Zionist Hammer:

"If I Had a Hammer"
(words and music by Lee Hays and Pete Seeger)

Let's try it out.

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening
All over this land
I'd hammer out danger
I'd hammer out a warning
I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters
All over this land ....

(I'll spare you the rest.) Whoa, it's way too light.  It's easy to swing (too easy, actually), but there's no power in the stroke nor on impact. Weaklings like it because twirling it around gives them the feeling they're capable of accomplishing something important. But it doesn't even have a claw! Anyone using the Anti-Zionist Hammer is bound to just hurt himself and others.  Most important, the job still won't be done. Toss it.

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Second is the Left-Wing Zionist Hammer:

"I'd rather be a hammer than a nail"
(from "El Condor Pasa (If I Could)," popularized by Simon and Garfunkel)

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

Sure it's weightier than the first hammer, but the weight is not distributed properly, hence it's off-balance.  Listen as you strike with it. Hear those twangs of "Could-a/Would-a/Should-a" and longings for unreality? That means: no moral clarity and no resolve. Such design flaws are fatal. Plus the grip is slippery: you're forced to spend extra time, energy, and other precious resources -- like bullets, bombs, and jet fuel -- compensating for the imbalances.  You think you're going to hit the nail on the head, but you end up bending that nail and smashing a finger or two.  Then you have to start all over again weaker than ever.  The fact is, any kid who can pick up a rock (which was the very first hammer) knows more about hammers than grown-ups do who rely on this one. Kids like these have nothing but contempt -- and rightly so -- for adults who rely on the Left-Wing Zionist Hammer.

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Now we come to the Right-Wing Zionist Hammer:

("Eye for an Eye" by Retribution, one of Israel's few self-proclaimed right-wing hardcore heavy metal bands, as profiled in the punk-rockumentary Jericho's Echo)

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I am the light at the end of your darkness
I am the hunter, come with me
See the land of your dead
Come and see the end

You lived your life by taking others away
But in your last breath you feel your victim's pain

Eye for an eye I came for you
Tooth for a tooth I became like you

You killed in pleasure, me in pain
I kill for revenge, you in vain
But now I've tasted your blood
I know I'll kill again

Eye for an eye I came for you
Tooth for a tooth I became like you

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Wow, this is more than a hammer, this is a power tool!  Sure a little extra training, strength and resolve are required to use it, but it gets the job done. Anyway, resolve is most important, everything flows from there. And while it's good for construction projects, the Right-Wing Zionist Hammer is great for demolition ones.  John Henry meets John Wayne meets Mordechai.

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Those lyrics remind me of the saying I heard recently, attributed to Golda Meir -- "We don't hate them for killing our children. We hate them for making our children kill their children." -- but multiplied by what? 1000? 10,000?

You killed in pleasure, me in pain
I kill for revenge, you in vain
But now I've tasted your blood
I know I'll kill again

Eye for an eye I came for you
Tooth for a tooth I became like you

A few young Israeli men I know here in the U.S. will very shortly learn if they will be called back to Israel for reserve duty.  There are so many things they'd rather be doing than suiting up for war: deciding where in the world to finish their educations, launching web sites, making some money.  They tell me the best thing I can do during these times is to keep blogging.  So I do. But let's not get fidgety about what's almost certainly about to go down in Lebanon. Let's not get queasy about this freighted task which Israel's young men and boys (who when it's over will be men) are about to undertake:  taking life in order to preserve life. 

For that, looking through my Cultural-Ideological Toolbox, I say you can't go wrong with the Right-Wing Zionist Hammer. It's not the only tool necessary for this home improvement job, but without it the job will never get done.

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(Cross-posted at Expose the Left's "Open Trackback Party")

Bring It On! (And Laugh It Off)

The first blogger I know of to take high ground -- tactically, morally, and humorously -- during this Hamas/Hizbullah/Syrian/Iranian/Israeli war (which really is a defensive counter-attack in the longer war against jihad, but that's a serious matter for another post) -- is professional comedy writer and cartoonist Jake Novak.

I've had the pleasure of being introduced to Jake and his mercilessly wacky humor earlier this year over in the Comments sections at Seraphic Secret.  Jake is notorious for Top Ten lists that make you wish they went up to eleven, like the amplifier in Spinal Tap.  And like peanuts -- the snack or the cartoon -- you just want more.

Well, you can have more. Jake's been up to all good, making light of the heavy action that's going down around and within Israel's -- our ally's -- borders. 

You can read about it at his blog, Jake's Comedy Corner.  Recent hits include:

Beirut International Airport remains closed after Israeli jets bombed all three of its main runways. That makes sense, but why is that the reason United is giving for today's six-hour delays out of O'Hare?

and

Top 5 Text Messages Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent Bashir Assad
5) "Is that a Kaytusha in ur pocket or are u just happy 2 C me?"
4)  . . . .

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In the archives you'll find plenty of material on news items of the day, almost any day of the week.  So when you want a break from watching the world crack up, turn to Jake's Comedy Corner for his lastest crack-ups.
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If you've got a joke or two about the war in and around Israel, JMK wants to hear it.  So do Jake (above picture, right), Jordan (above, left) and my lovely assistant, Salome (below).
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"Uurff!"
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JMK asks: "What's so funny about the wars Israel is fighting?"

(Note: No animals were harmed during the writing of this post.)

Sooner or later everyone's going to want to laugh, for example, Yourish.