(Welcome, Right Wing News readers. Thanks, John, for the nod.)
(Updates 12/11: After you read this, see Fausta take the discussion one step beyond.... Also: Alas, poor Dottie! JMK knows her better than ever.)
Gentlemen, pay attention! It's Chris Hitchens's light refracted though Fausta's prism. Hitch ponders a so-called "humor gap" between the sexes in "Why Women Aren't Funny." (btw, another, very refractive prism here.) Fausta ripostes:
[A] guy will tell you a lot about himself and what he thinks about you, and how comfortable he is when he's with you when he says something that makes you laugh. He may not be trying to be funny, but you can find great honesty in humor.
The premium seems to be on honesty and hardly on charm. If honesty from the man -- to the woman's satisfaction, at least -- is not forthcoming, then it would seem, according to Fausta, that some manner of extracting or securing it becomes the woman's chief concern. Ah! all these mental tribulations while avoiding pain and seeking pleasure in pursuit of suitable companionship....
(Update, Fausta clarifies: I must clarify that I place a premium not on honesty as of itself, but
in the comfort zone that brings in humor, self-disclosure, and a sense
of fun. You can't have fun when uncomfortable. That, and hopefully what follows, will help us all breathe easier.)
* * *
Not exactly related (but not unrelated either and, besides, I've been wanting to blog about this for a while...):
this brings to mind Dorothy Parker's "light verse." Such verse -- which formally resembles much of Edna St. Vincent Millay's poesy (including the sonnets) -- is for the most part a continuous, lyrical lament over troubles between the sexes. Her most famous poem, "News Item," is not even remembered by most as a poem, instead having installed itself in American English as a popular quip. Gentle Reader, I bet you've heard "News Item," and you just didn't know it had appeared in Parker's collection Enough Rope (1926). It goes: "Men seldom make passes/At girls who wear glasses."
If I didn't first hear that one from my grandmother, then I do recall that she remarked it to me a while back. We were having a pleasant, sit-down conversation on her Miami Beach couch about, oh, relations between the sexes. It was in that pleasant, old-school way in which an 80 year-old brings up the subject with a 20 year-old. (Like I said, it was a while back.) Such an old-school way is, unfortunately, a way that seems to have disappeared from the face of the Earth (to everyone's loss and -- to those of us who know what we're missing -- chagrin). So my grandmother quipped away to the tune of Dorothy Parker. I might add that she quipped with, perhaps, an air of sly delight and even a little triumph. For she herself never had to wear glasses (except in her later years for reading).
The implied lesson, I figured, is to be appreciative of women whether or not they wear glasses, and, like the song says, to try a little tenderness around women who do. Now it just so happens that, yes, in the course of my life I have had occasion to offer feedback to significant women who wear glasses -- occasioned not because they have asked me to do so, but because they seem to have asked me not to do so. The occasion usually arises in a moment of grim, mumbled foreboding, something along the lines of: I have to put on my glasses now.... implying, more or less: Don't make a face! or If you love me, you won't say anything!
Then comes the moment of truth and misunderstanding. Because, really, deep down, I think glasses are cute. Not the Ray-Ban this and Ferragamo that. I mean simply a pair of specs on the face of The Most Important Woman in the World. Because, usually, when she puts them on the contacts have come out, the rest of the world is left out there, and she's settling in to her comfiest homebody self. And I'm part of what makes and keeps her homebody comfy. It doesn't get much better than that.
But then I ruin it. I ruin it simply by saying what's on my mind.
-You look wonderful in your glasses!
-Oh, please!
-Wait, I mean it, which I accent with a mild sigh.
-No, I don't.
-Oh, yes you do. You really do.... Offered in just the right tone, this should allow her to ignore, for just a little while, all that burdensome foreign matter splayed across her nose. But then I kill the moment, kill it by saying what I really feel: If you only knew how good you look right now.
-....
-To me! How good you look. To me.
To me, yes, but to no avail. She shakes her head, not relieved and definitely not amused, and makes a bee-line into the next room. I know the moment's passed because she's doing something practical like folding a dish towel or checking a stapler to see if it needs reloading. The charm -- if there was any -- is gone. Possibly the thrill, too. All because I was trying, sincerely trying to do right by my grandmother and by Dorothy Parker. Maybe the solution is to hook up only with women who have perfect vision (that, or entire cabinets full of contact lenses)?
* * *
Back to the drawing board. Here are two more examples from that volume of "light verse." Frankly, they are harrowing lessons in the harm inflicted by -- to say the least -- having neglected to work on one's charm:
.
De Profundis
Oh, is it, then, Utopian
To hope that I may meet a man
Who'll not relate, in accents suave,
The tales of girls he used to have?
Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They'll try to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person
They cannot let you go your gate;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.
.
* * *
In conclusion, all I can say is that there must be a place for charm along with humor and honesty. There must be. I mean, there is a way to hail a woman as a star, because in that regard JMK has defied Dottie's expectations. (Not deified and not defiled them, mind you). So there must be a charming way to compliment a woman on her glasses. There must be!
What's so funny about that?